Children need many things from their parents. They need stability, protection, nurturing, and love. They also need other things, different things from each of their parents. I have seen several such lists, and I wanted to add my opinion into the mix.
Because I am a mommy to a little boy, this is what I know. So, here’s the list of things I pray I give to my little guy, in order to help him grow into a good man – the things I think every little boy needs from his mom.
A boy needs:
Candid moment captured (Photo credit: tommie m)
To be showered with affection – hugs, kisses, all of it. Until he is big enough to not want that anymore. Then he needs you to ruffle his hair, put your hand on his shoulder, and hug him anyway. He needs to know the importance of human contact so that he doesn’t keep it from his wife or children.
To dance – in the car, in the living room, in the front yard. Slow dance, crazy dance, any kind of dancing the song calls for, even if there’s no song at all. He will learn that life has a soundtrack. That there is no moment too small to celebrate, and the big ones….. they almost always call for dancing.
To be told secrets – and let him tell them to you. Big or small. Doesn’t matter what they are. He needs to know that he can always talk to you, about anything. And besides, secrets are fun!
For you to marry the kind of man you want him to be – because he will. His views of marriage are shaped by what he sees from you. He will model himself after the men in his life. The kind of husband he is, the kind of father he is, the kind of man he is. You can’t example that to him, so find someone who will.
To learn the kinds of things that women need – tell him your favorite flower and let him “buy” them for you. Let him take you out to dinner. Let him know that girls like jewelry, and shoes. Let him open doors and hold your hand. Show him what a gentleman looks like.
To appreciate beauty, real beauty – don’t put yourself down in front of him. He will learn to see you like you see you. He will, at some point, think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Let him. Don’t tell him he’s wrong. Let him watch you do your nails, your hair, and your make-up. It won’t make him less “manly”, but it will help him understand that women need to feel beautiful. Hopefully, he’ll spend the rest of his life appreciating the lengths we go to in order to attain that beauty.
Discipline – don’t just let his father do it. He needs to respect that you are a figure of authority also. He needs to know that your voice carries just as much weight. He needs to understand what co-parenting looks like; he’ll do it himself someday.
To respect – he will treat his wife the way he was allowed to treat you. He will treat every woman the way he was allowed to treat you. Show him that the correct way to speak to women is with respect and dignity. He’ll thank you for it some day.
To learn to say ‘sir’ and ‘miss’ – it will take him so far in life. People appreciate this little extra bit of politeness and respect. It can make someone’s day to be made to feel important and appreciated.
Comfort – kiss his boo boo’s, hold him when he needs it. He’ll learn that when it hurts, it’s ok to cry. Eventually your kisses won’t fix everything, but knowing that you want to fix it, that you wish you could heal every one of his broken hearts, it will give him some comfort. It will give him a place to start healing and a spot to launch from when the time comes to get back up.
Responsibility – make him put his own laundry away, take out the trash, and help you do the dishes. Make him earn an allowance to save up for that new guitar, or video game, or baseball equipment. If you don’t, all housework will forever be known as “woman’s work” and nobody wants a man like that. You want him to be the man who will step up and help his wife take care of their home. You want him to learn to take care of the things he has acquired and you want him to know how to work for something he wants.
To learn his lesson – even the hard ones. This is one of the hardest parts. As mothers we want to shield our children from the big, bad world. We want to run to them every time we see them start down a path that will lead no place good. We want to take their place every time they might get hurt. And sometimes they need that. Sometimes they need shielding and protecting. Sometimes they need mom to swoop in and save the day. And sometimes they don’t. They will be more effective adults if they are given the opportunity to learn that actions have consequences. They will be more effective adults if they learn how to walk away or say no themselves. And they will be more effective adults if they learn how to handle disappointment.
To see his mom respect his father – show him every day what respect looks like. Show him the way a wife should treat her husband. If you’re not married to his father, show him the way to co-parent peacefully, with respect. He needs a woman who will respect him. Show him what to look for.
Love, unconditionally – and make sure he knows it. When he’s being sweet and obedient. And when he’s not. Every time my son is in trouble, after he has served out whatever punishment he has earned and/or we have had the necessary discussions, I always tell him I love him. We always end on a positive. I never want him to doubt my love for him and I want him to understand that there is nothing he could do to make my love for him diminish. It is very important to me that he knows my love for him is unconditional.
To talk to his mom about sex – when he’s old enough and the timing is right. Let his dad talk to him, too, but he needs a woman’s perspective. He needs to know the emotional sides to sex and the ways in which he can damage, or love, a woman with them. He needs to have a place he can ask questions and be honest. He needs more than just the facts and the hormones.
His mom to be his biggest fan – whether it be on the t-ball field or at the World Series, his first guitar lesson or a stage, a finger painting or an art gallery masterpiece. Be his biggest fan. The world is full of people just waiting to show him he’s not the best. Let him know, that in your eyes, they will always be wrong.
His mom to be right next to him – through everything. Hold his little body when he’s sick and his hand when he’s broken-hearted. Stand next to him, with pride, on his first day of kindergarten and his high school graduation. Help him fix his tie for his first date and his wedding day. Be the first one to him after the birth of his children. Be right next to him… every time.
Life As I Know It 
This made me cry. thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts and experiences down. I have a little boy he is 5 months old. I often worry everyday about his future.
Thank you! Worrying about his future means you are already a good mommy! 🙂
It is a huge job…..but there is no bigger reward!!!!!!
I cried too! My son just turned eighteen, Lacy! I was always worried for his future and still am. I am not a perfect parent, I did however read a book by Dr. James Dobson called Bringing Up Boys. It said many of the things stated in the above article, plus much more. Like, to always be gentle, never tease him and always be his rock and champion. We joked and kidded gently. People said this would make him a sissy. He is a strong, sweet, kind man now. He is my rock. Your little boy will be the same, because you have a tender heart! God Bless you and your baby boy!
Very sweet! As a mother of 3 boys a midst the craziness it is hard to keep these into perspective. These are all SO true!
Three boys! Wow! I always thought I’d want to have three boys….
Luv it.. This is exactly how I want my relationship to be with my son ..
I have 3 boys, I highly recommend it. Truly blessed ❤
Jessica, I know the feeling. I have 3 boys as well, a set of 7 y.o. twins in that mix. It is hard to keep these things in mind when the boy craziness begins…but as you said…they are all so true and very important! I think I need this printed and handy all the time! Thanks “Butterfly”!
I have three boys as well and i know sometimes it is very hard not to get frustrated with them. but we have the ability to teach them how to treat other women and show them the right way to be.
I have raised a son, he is now 47 and a husband and dad to 2 girls,this is a very true article.If you have a son teach him all these even if its difficult at times you will raise a boy into an amazing man.
Very true!!!
This is a beautiful list. My son is only 3 weeks old, but I want to give him all that I can. Some of this has jumbled around in my head, but could not have put it into words. These are all great, & so important! My favorite is the last one. To always be by his side is not only important for him, but something I would cherish as well.
Don’t miss a minute of his ‘amazingness’! Sarah, I mentioned to Lacy that I read a book called Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson when my son was young. It is an amazing book. My son just turned 18. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship with him. I feel the advice in this article is genius! Your little man will grown into your champion if you are a champion for him!
Beautiful post, thank you. I’m a mother of 2.5 year old boy with another on the way and this really touched me and reminded me of all the right things 🙂
Very beautifully written. I love and agree with everything you said here. As a mommy of a 2 1/2 year old my mind is always on how I can help to enforce the “important” things in life. These are the real kinds of gift you can give to your children. Just a fabulous post! Thank you..
This is true, except, even though this is done some young men will react badly. Also, some will absolutely refuse to clean their own rooms. You have got to learn to pick your battles! That alone can grow resentment, (if you are YELLING all the time about his room). There is no respect if you yell! Just saying! I have a wonderful 23 year old about to have his first son come into this world!
Okay, WE have four sons….55,53,51 & 42. For whatever reason the 42 yr. old when growing up absolutely was the worst “room keeper” EVER!! So, rather than ruin our relationship, I bought a little sign that said, “CLOSED” on one side and “OPEN” on the other side. When we would have friends in for something I would simply hang the CLOSED sign on his room door. We still have the sign and recently I told his 16 yr. old son what that sign was for 🙂 However, our son’s wife now says, “He drives me nuts always wanting everything picked up & neat…..GO FIGURE!! Mom’s BE PATIENT, GOD IS NOT THROUGH WITH THEM YET!”
Agree…Picking your battles without yelling and screaming is very important….and don’t fool yourselves….There WILL be battles! Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent or child. Even more important is to show your child how to sincerely say “you’re sorry” and how to “forgive”.
If I had a dollar for every “jusr sayin'”…
I have a 17 year old. I have decided that if he doesn’t want to clean his room it is his problem! I just don’t go in there, however, he is responsible for other things around the house like taking out the trash, making sure the big cans are all out on trash day and brought back in, and when he was younger he was the dishwasher in the family. He’s hardly home these days so that chore has gone out the window. I make him do his own laundry though and sometimes a whole month goes by before he does it. Dirty underwear? Yes, I am sure, however, that’s his choice! 🙂
Pick your battles? Absolutely not. If you found it important enough to say, it is important enough for him to follow. If you follow through with everything that you expect of him, there need be no battles. This is the problem with parenting today- kids are allowed to do what they want to do, not what the parents say. Of course they’re not going to listen if all you do is yell. No respect can be established by “picking your battles,” which equates giving into disobedience. Refusing to clean his room? Get real.
This was just beautiful! I have read many of these lists and this one somehow set itself aprat from the rest. Your insights are poignant and the realization that these things that thankfully come easy now, have a lasting impact, left me in tears. I am luckily married to his daddy, a man who seems to get it all right, so I see everyday just how important it is to impart these lessons on my three year old son. Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I’m not a mother, just a loving aunt and observer of life. These are all great, although I admit I took exception to the piece of advice about teaching your son that women love jewellery and shoes. Seriously? Not all women are that simple or shallow! How about, “teach your son that no two woman are the same; that yes, every woman likes to feel beautiful, but that this might not be in the form of makeup and trinkets; she may want you to appreciate the beauty of her mind, or understand her appreciation for nature or art, sport or activity, or anything else that may give her life meaning. It’s more important to learn what the woman you love needs, rather than what every women is supposed to love.
I think she was just using examples..not for you to teach that to him ver batum..at least that’s my take.
I agree! “Women love jewelry and shoes” cheapens this beautiful list. I almost stopped reading there because of how ridiculous that sounds. The rest was wonderful. That, however, is just offensive. I do not want to perpetuate horrible gender stereotypes and instill them in my child. Women are human beings just like men. We’re not all stereotypes.
I agree. Everything was great until the jewelry and shoes part. My son is 17 months and I don’t want him growing up thinking every girl/woman likes the same things. Heaven knows I could care less about jewelry, shoes, or even big purses! :p
Exactly!
I have to agree with bella in regards to the Jewellery and shoes comment…my favourite Christmas gift from my husband wasn’t the diamonds it was the money to buy a really good saddle for my horse. That gift made me cry because he understood the need that I had (my horse had lol) We as women are not all alike, nor do we see things the same…the best is to teach your son to pay close attention to the women in his life and see what really matters to them…
Yes!! My thoughts exactly! I loved the whole list, but that one definitely gave me pause. That, and letting him take you to dinner and buy you flowers and all those (in my opinion) kind of cliche things. I think those things teach him to treat women like princesses. I’d rather my sons learn to seek out women who want to be their equals, not to have everything done for and paid for for them. But that’s my only criticism. The rest of the article was beautiful.
I agree with Bella, I would much rather have the gift of his time than anything he could buy for me. The things he does only for me is what I appreciate the most.
I was also uncomfortable with this statement, and you worded your response perfectly!
I was about to say the same thing. Jewelry? Shoes? Flowers? Let’s not enforce gender stereotypes.
I thought the very same thing! I’m a farm wife, proud to work alongside my husband – jewelry and makeup and shoes (unless they are new workboots!) rate pretty far down the line. But I DO want my boys to see my life and respect it and value what my life looks like. I, too, have three grown sons – and four granddaughters! the two that are the Dads make me tear up when I watch them make ponytails, cheer at soccer games, admire artwork and, yes, dance! Can’t wait for my youngest to join the ranks – if God will please send the right woman (and he becomes the right man!)
I agree with you. I don’t care for jewelry, and I buy shoes only when I need them. Every woman is an individual, with individual needs.
Umm did I miss a point. I don’t remember reading this anywhere. I think, perhaps, you misunderstood something.
Yes – this so much except I am the mother of a fantastic boy. I do not love shoes or jewellery either and hope to teach him what bella said. Otherwise – fantastic article and sentiments.
bella, with all due respect, I think you missed the point. She was merely giving examples because clearly all women are different. Some might want shoes, some might want a pocket knife and camo jacket. Not all women like to hold hands or snuggle either. She was simply pointing out to teach your sons to be aware and attentive of what appeals to the significant other in his life.
She’s using it as an example, not as a standard. Calm down, it is beautifully written and a wonderful piece for any mother of a son to read.
I don’t like shoes, or wear jewelry. Just like the other women in my family. Feeling beautiful has not been a huge need. Feeling that my intelligence is respected and my creativity has useful outlets…that has mattered. I also think it’s important to acknowledge reality – not every little boy will grow up to marry or have a permanent relationship, and many of those who do don’t have them with women.
I do appreciate the obvious tenderness and love with which the list was written, and completely agree that teaching boys to value female human beings is so, so valuable.
I think your point is true and valid but I understood that paragraph differently. I took it to mean show the women they are special, that you will sacrifice for them, spending your hard earned money to hopefully put a smile I their face. Giving them something heartfelt and “romantic”. I don’t think it was to be a rigid list left to only flowers and jewelry just a general idea.
I’m so glad you articulated this. I was about to, but then I read through the comments first. Can’t agree more!!
I agree! I do not like flowers at all, and my husband knows not to buy me jewelry (I don’t wear it) or shoes (because what I have is enough – three pairs: running shoes, regular sneakers, and one pair of dress shoes. He does know that I love dinners out or for him to cook dinner for me/the family. Reality is I rather him be helpful then buy me nything at all! He just asked me today what I want for Christmas and the honest answer is that I don’t want anything.
I also take issue with the first one….. I actually do not like a lot of hugs. I do give my children hugs and kisses and I tolerate them from my very expressive husband, but I really don’t like them at all. Instead of hugs making me feel secure and loved, they make me feel trapped. I think the most important thing to teach our children is to respect themselves and other people for who they are. All people want to be understood, to know that they are being listened to….
Loving jewelry and shoes doesn’t make me shallow, any more than loving books makes me a library! I have a son, and I think I am better off teaching him that those are some generic things that most women like, and as he gets to know them better, he will discover more interests. It’s more important to be a man worthy and able to give love, in my opinion, than to nitpick what his future wife or girlfriend may prefer.
Bingo. That part rubbed me wrong also, although I have to say the reply above calling those who do like jewelry and shoes shallow was also pretty judgmental. Also the ‘sir’ and ‘miss’ is regional. In the Upper Midwest when teen-aged boy especially use sir or miss, it may be interpreted as sarcasm. But being respectful and showing it, of course, is right on. Otherwise, nicely done!
You couldn’t be more right! Well stated.
I felt the exact same way reading this.
WORD! I say that if you show them what you love as a complete person (I love sports and art) and include them in how you experience what you love (boys go in the jogging stroller with me and to the Art Institute of Chicago- where I point out female artists in the same day as I do male) than they will learn to accept people as whole people and women as dynamic and unlimited.
I felt the same about the jewelry and shoes. I felt that was a but materialistic.
I think you are exhagerating and understanding it completly wrong. Beautiful inside and out is what i believe she meant write and is what she expected mothers to interpret.
Someone always gets insulted. Smh
I agree. I am not a “girly”-girl. I like the edits/suggestions from bella. Otherwise, I loved the list, other than the narrow definition of what a woman loves.
I feel the exact same way. I love this list and completely agree with the exception of buying new jewelry, shoes, and dinner. I’m not a jewelry or shoe girl. I like to spend time with my boys (husband and son). I like to talk, watch movies, play games, or go do things together. I don’t need anyone to buy me things. Being a contributor rather than expecting me to do everything alone is huge and a major symbol of true love, in my eyes. Besides, he’s growing up seeing a woman who is low-maintenance and not at all materialistic and that’s exactly the kind of woman I’d like him to find one day.
Exactly!! And just to throw it out there, As a mom, making mistakes in any part of raising a son doesn’t fail him in life. I know many men who are wonderful husbands and fathers who didn’t have such wonderful moms or dads.
Yes, I totally agree with you here! I don’t agree with keeping secrets either. I tell my daughter that we don’t keep secrets, because I don’t want her keeping the secrets of people who might hurt her. We keep surprises, not secrets.
This is a great point. I’m not a jewelry person (shoes and bags, on the other hand…).
Another thing I teach my 7-year old: A woman can be strong, both physically and emotionally. A woman can be successful. This really resonates with him, and I think it’s safe to say he’s really proud of his mom!
Yes, exactly! I found a fair bit of this article to hold an air of sexism and gender conformity.
I agree wholeheartedly with this comment. I am one of those women who does not care much about shoes and jewelry, but there are other things I want my husband to notice.
Totally Agree! And it is important to note all these things are equally important to do with a little girl.
agreed on the jewelry and shoes thing. Women also like cars and boats and science and math and art and literature and working with their hands and getting dirty….just like men! Let’s not teach our sons that women are just about the outside. It is the inside of a person that is or is not the true beauty!
i love your response! i basically said the SAME thing! I absolutely HATE how when people write these types of articles they jumble women all in this stereo type…we are not cut from cookie cutters! we are individuals! the ONLY jewelry i wear is my wedding rings! and i own 4 pairs of shoes…my Danskos for work, my tennis shoes for everyday wear, flip flops and snow boots! (they are all necessary) i honestly despise shoe shopping and usually buy the same exact pair just about every time i go (i know boring right?) but i like comfort and functionality and honestly i haven’t bought a new pair of shoes in over a year! and b4 that it was 3 years
Yes!
I thought the same thing, and couldn’t have explained it more eloquently myself. Thank you, from a woman who does happen to like shoes and jewelry, but also enjoys so much more. 🙂 I have an 18-month-old daughter and a son on the way, and I want each of them to know all of these things about respecting and appreciating people as a whole.
Agreed!! Other than that, I really enjoyed the article, and will try to put it all into action in the years to come… don’t have any kids right now, but probably will in ten years.
Thank you! My thoughts exactly.
Thank you! I was a little irritated by this one!
Yes the part about the jewelry bothered me too. Respect and communication are what boys need to be taught in maintaining a healthy relationship.
My thoughts exactly!!
That’s why you’re not a mother. You will understand when you become one. Just saying.
I really enjoyed reading most of the list, though I absolutely agree with Bella. I don’t wear make-up nor spend much time in front of the mirror, but my boys (and my husband thankfully!) think, and say that I am beautiful inside and out. Sometimes I put on ‘fancy’ clothes and everyone says (authentically) something nice about it, which usually reflects that I am feeling good and probably excited about going out somewhere that involves me wearing something different than overalls and wellington boots! Though my husband thinks I look very fetching in those too…
Also I think there are many other ways to be polite with-out saying ‘sir’ or ‘miss’ but we are from the UK so perhaps thats just a cultural thing.
From my own personal experience the last person I wanted after the birth of my 1st son was my mother-in-law (much as I like her!)! That will depend on the relationship we mothers will have with our daughter-in-laws and must be a carefully trodden, respectful path…Know when your son wants you by his side, and know when to step back.
Great list though. lots to think about, especially discussing the finer details of sex with my sons – Will have to work out how to do that one when the time comes!
My thoughts exactly Bella!
It’s more about the thought and having your son do something nice for you and how it will carry on in their marriage. Women love to be pretty and polishing our nail and putting on makeup and jewelry and shoes makes us moms feel extra special, especially moms of boys some times it’s good to remember we are girls in our crazy boy filled days.
You hit the nail on the head with this one. I thought the exact same thing. I’m not a shoe and jewellery person…and actually my ex and I split due to his materialistic shallow ways. My art, sports, and ability to appreciate nature totally made him feel less of a man..and he definitely felt that housework / laundry was woman’s work. Having roles in a marriage, is defined by the couple, not society.
Bella,
Thank you. I have three daughters and I work hard to show them they are as smart and respected as the boys. I don’t know of many moms that don’t show their sons alot of love. Sometimes more than their daughters.
Bella- I agree 100%. We are individuals and do not fit into such simple, narrow terms.
I was going to write the same thing! Not all women love jewelry and shoes! Appreciate each woman’s individuality and show her your love with those things that matter in life to her!
you understand much wish more did .As a mom of 3 adult sons one recently married there is so much more.And believe me when i say i am still learning what each want and need from me .i must add here that life has throw our family a lot of curves and setbacks and heart ripping tragedies.Each one effecting each family member differently with me always being the most obviously upset or happy.So the number one thing a son needs to know is treat her with respect and no means just that and listen to what she is saying
Totally thought the same thing, Bella.
Agreed!! I was a bit surprised by that too… some women like gifts, others its words of encouragement, and others yet just want your time. Teach him to search for what makes her feel loved. By all means, be a gentleman; open the door, pull out her chair, offer to carry heavy things, but dont assume she’ll be swept off her feet by gifts. A man needs to make the effort to discover what makes his lady feel loved.
My 2 cents 😉
But otherwise, great article! Really reminded me of having to be a role model, not just “do as I say, not as I do”. 🙂
Thank you, I, too, read that part and cringed. That would NOT be something I would teach a son of mine. Also about the “lengths women go to be beautiful”. How about teach him that beauty is not always dependent on outward appearance?
Yep. To be honest a lot of this feels like the mum’s desire to feel needed. Get that from your partner and please free your son from that responsibility.
Very good! Find the beauty in all things. Respect is not learned by demanding it as it has to be earned. Parents have to fill in for the most underpaid school teachers to make the best all rounded adult by being a good roll model at home!
Thank you, Bella! I have two sons (41 and 44 years old now) and they never saw me put on make up because I don’t think women need to lie about who they really are. They never saw me getting giddy over shoes or jewelry but they did see me happily contented with a new book. Both my sons are happily married and raising wonderful children, and they happen to think that women are smart and naturally attractive and competent. Beauty can fade but a beautiful mind endures!
Well said Bella; my sentiments, exactly. Not every woman values the same things and I hope that was just an example. I have 10 and 15 year old sons and I teach them the universal needs of all living beings: compassion, love and respect.
I am a mother of two son and would like to second what you’ve said so well. Beautiful sentiments in this list overall!
I was thinking the same thing, “teach your son women are idiots and completely entranced by shiny things”. Please?
Exactly. I had the same thought when I read it. It is otherwise a very nice list. I’m the mom of two girls and one boy–all in their teens and 20s.
The addition was good. And as a mother of a grown son, adult grandsons, and 2 male teens, just remember that every child was born individual and makes choices. Teach them then just love them. You can’t take credit from them ad well as guilt. Hard but grateful.
yes! I am not a jewelry or shoe girl. thanks for saying this!
thank you!!! i was thinking the exact same thing when I read this!!
Great point! I love shoes, but could pretty much care less about jewelery. (If my husband wasted hundreds of dollars on a diamond whatever for me, I’d be pretty upset!) My daughter is only 13, but so far she has no interest in shoes and only certain kinds of “jewelery” that reflect her personality. What a boy will need to know about *her* is that she likes books that take her away, and that she will want to watch the football game with him and probably knows as much as he does about the players! More, if it’s baseball. 😉 Every girl is as unique as every boy, and while he shouldn’t be surprised if a girl likes shoes and jewelery, you shouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t either. Teach boys to value girls as individuals and to find a girl whose loves he can admire (or even share) whatever they may be.
I understand your intent, and agree that boys should be taught that all women are different and to make them feel beautiful and appreciated in whatever way the woman needs. However, I also plan on teaching my boys to respect women regardless of what makes them feel beautiful and happy. Liking pretty things like makeup and shoes doesn’t make a woman “simple or shallow” and I would be deeply bothered if my boys treated a woman as less worthy of appreciation for that reason.
Ha! I didn’t read this before I posted my reply. My thoughts exactly.
Loved this, it really puts everything in perspective in LIFE. I cried when I read this and hope that my two boys, aged 4 and 6 months, become the best men they can become. Thank you for your “short story”
This a beautiful article and I can’t agree with you more! I am the proud mom of two wonderful boys that I hug, laugh with and discipline every day!
A very important missing point; teach them to LOVE themselves! If they don’t love themselves, they will never fully be able to love anyone else.
And Bella, I love pretty shoes and shiny jewelry, that does not make me shallow. My boys love mud, gears and guns that doesn’t make them dirty, stupid or violent.
Thank you again for this.
The problem is that society tries to pigeon-hole and portray women as shallow, simple lovers-of-shoes-and-jewelry. It’s a stereotype that rankles me. I like jewelry, but love ice hockey; I sweat, I don’t glow; I love cars. I am a woman – a woman among other women who love shoes, jewelry, manicures, working in the yard, dirt under their fingernails, jeans and sweatshirts. It helps our sons to broaden their expectations of what a woman is and should be.
Yes, but the thing is, not all women love shoes and jewellry.. yes i love jewellry but i hate shoes and I love guns and my raggedy pair of jeans.
I love this! I’m a mom of 4 boys and I feel like I could frame this and put it on my wall to remind myself every day. Your words echo what is already in my heart but in the day to day chaos, it’s so easy to forget. Thanks for the gentle and motivating reminder 🙂
I have 3 grown sons and they are all very respectful of women and are great with children. I have 5 grandkids, 3 boys and 2 girls. What I would suggest is to keep in mind that kids are always watching and listening to you. They will grow up and become what they have learned. I don’t know how true it is, but someone once said that boys learn their manliness from their mother.
Lots of talk about teaching the proper ways to admire female sexual beauty – no mention of teaching him to have any of his own – kinda like Andrew Dice Clay reaching his daughter the right way to admire a man’s athleticism – but no mention to her of developing her own. I invite anyone to contact men on this issue.
This post simply doesn’t make sense. The Mom does mention that BOTH Mom and Dad should talk to their son about sexual issues. He needs both viewpoints.
THANK YOU!!! that is all.
I agree. Also, it seems that nothing on this list precludes Dad’s from teaching this to their sons as well (which may be just as or even more important to hear from Dads!).
I have four daughters and my son is now 13. What a beautiful post! I agree with all of it! My son is the man in my life~ Not that I put a big emphasis on that, but he likes it! So I allow him to share in things in the household, he opens doors for me, and does his chores, and helps out with others! I get his respect everyday! He’s a wonderful boy, growing into a wonderful man.
This is beautiful. I am reading it for the first time with my 2 week old son asleep on my chest (and it brought tears to my eyes), but plan to read it more frequently as a refresher.
Today my mom and I had a falling out….again. I fear that eventually it will lead to something much worse as it gets worse and worse each time. I’ve never in my life (22) been unable to stop myself from crying almost uncontrollably. I felt angered, abandoned, and tried. I was confused because I’ve been feeling these feelings for some. Years. I t sucks to just be angry all the time so I did some research. I googled “why do sons” and instantly your article popped up. I recently lost my job, my apartment, and my car needs major fixing, not to mention my phone is so crackedto where I can barely read what I’m typing. I’ve been struggling for some time now and I almost positive I could return home to my mom for help not even financially so much, but emotionally. I would think things would get better but instead they’re worse than ever before. I have to leave before I.beat up my own mom. She says things that bring me down lower than anyone can make me feel and she doesn’t seem to care about my situation. I have a very hard time accepting authority from women. I also find it hard to date or even trust women. Sometimes I feel like women are all selfish and self centered a nd I often feel like it won’t change. Reading this article has brought back many childhood memories of me and my mom who I was once close too. But, one thing I’ve never done was openly talk to my mom comfortably ever. Even when my sons mother was pregnant, I didn’t tell her. Mainly fear, but I didn’t feel as if she was a big enough positive factor in my life to know. I’ve also never shared secrets with her or her with me. Everything was hidden. When she did tell me,things , it was in a way for her to explain how she.broke her neck for my sister and I. It didn’t matter though by this time I was anger prone and aggressive. She didn’t let me play sports until middle school but by that time I was socially inadequate and very shy.it took me to go to college to find myself. And grow out of my shell but by then I felt it was too late for anything for me. She maybe came to 3 or 4 of my games but it never mattered because I felt like she only came to say she did , not for moral support. Her and my dad often argued and fought . Shehad him arrested many times which bothered me badly as I got older. We never hug . Never give kisses on the cheek. I’ve never told her I love her out of my mouth without her saying it first. Mostly just because I’m uncomfortable saying it because when I was younger it wasnt a phrase often used. Reading this article made me see a lot of the things that I lacked in childhood. O haven’t told the complete story or it would be the length of a Steven king chapter. This article has truly enlightened me. Although we dnt really have a mother son relationship, going to the grave with hate on my heart is not an option. I pray things get better.
I am so sorry that you don’t have a more positive relationship with your mom. Now that you’re a father, you have a chance to change things. To make things better for your child. My prayers are with you!
Hi Brandon. I am so sorry that you did not feel loved by your mother. Just know that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Now that you have a child of your own…this is your chance to break the cycle and show your baby what unconditional love is. God bless you. Things will get better…hang in there!
My little boys are now 30 and 33 and I could not be prouder of them. It feels so good to know I helped them become the amazing men, husbands, and fathers that they are. They tell my me and their dad, all the time, “thank you for being such good role models”. Does it get any better than that?! 🙂
That beautifully covers just about everything except for religious training which I’m sure would have been included in such a lovely message. Hope loads of parents read this seriously.
It sounds like maybe Your mom has suffered abuse herself growing up and wasn’t taught to love herself. Maybe even there is some drug or alcohol issue but just believe that its not about you..and you can’t be that same shy boy who feels unloved or it will eat you up…you havebto break the cycle..forgive her and move past it or it you cannot become a greatvfather or happybperson..I have had similar issuesbwith my own dad…and as a young girl caused me a lot of pain and feeling unworthy and that no man would ever love me. ( and I thought I didn’t deserve love) but now that I know I have The father (god) here for me, I jist pity him..I will be there on his death bed..or befote if he wants..but I don’t let it destroy me. God will work on him. And I had a lot of promiscuity and substance use just from lack of self worth..I dealt with all this and finally put the lastvpiece to rest at 32 …..lifebis great and I smother my boys with affection and cycle is broken..I’m now 41..I feel for you but you have to accept what u cannot change and move on..and pray..good luck
I’m so sorry you have not felt what a son should really feel from his mother. Know that this is an exception, not a rule. Not that it makes it any better for you, but I think that to know that not all “moms” are the same is important. It’s important to respect women in general for who they are, what they represent in this world. There are many beautiful whole hearted women who care deeply. You are steps ahead if you are recognizing already what a good parent should be like. Forgiveness is the key to your future and to opening your heart to other women to come positively into your life… partner, wife, friends, daughters, etc. It is everyone else..the positive influences who you should appreciate and value and they you. Stay strong and positive… live your life and learn from your past. Blessings.
I also pray that things get better for you… try to mend your broken relationship with your mom and if you cant then you will know you tried…I dont know you or your mom but some women just werent cut out to be moms. I dont always get along with my mom either but I know that even when we argue she still loves me and yes she is my biggest fan..after my dad died she wasnt always there either for my games and things and your right it made a huge difference in our relationship because my daddy busted his butt to come to every thing including practices.. I guess fo4 a while I resented her for that and I acted out but in my older years I have forgiven her and realize that yes I lost my dad but she lost the love of her life…hes been gone 21 years in march and shes never so much as went on a date with anyone else..sbe was doing the best she knew how to hold herself together. Like I said I dont know you or your mom or the entire situation but I pray that you can find peace and make ammends…goodluck and prayers
Just said a prayer for you, Brandon. It’s never too late to change your life for the better. Start where you are. Make certain your son is taught about unconditional love. God loves YOU, unconditionally. I hope you know that. Sending a huge cyber hug your direction.
What your feeling is anger and resentment for a life your mom obviously could not give you. It does not mean that she does not love and care for you. If she raised you and your sister alone it could be that she too is frustrated with her life and sees no way out. You are young and you will be fine, but one thing you need to learn is how to control your resentment and create your own destiny free from your past. Communication is the way. If not with your mother then some other adult maybe. If you are still in school, maybe a counselor or trusted professor. I would also suggest depression screening. Many times the negative things that keep happening to us over and over again are an indication of depression. When you are depressed you have no will to be positive, and without the will to be positive you will not see any way out of your situation. A family doctor can make this diagnosis and recommend treatment, you do not need to see a psychiatrist although counseling would go a long way in helping you to understand your feelings. What ever you decide to do, please seek help, this is not something that one needs to handle alone. You will see that when your situation and out look improves, things will improve around you. Your relationship with your mom may never improve, but you will be better able to cope with your situation. I have felt what you are feeling. Please start now, do not wait, the longer you wait the harder it will be to accept help. The healing needs to start today so that you are better prepared to be a positive influence on your own child.
Brandon – you have the Power to change the direction of your life. You can’t change where you come from but realizing where you have been and that it is not where you want to be is a huge piece. Reaching out for help is another. Look in your area for a mentoring program – many communities and churches have them (and not focused necessarily on religion but on building you up and helping you find resources and learning how to make better choices). A lot of wise folks out there who would love to help guide your journey to a better place if you are open to listening. Praying for you.
Hey man – I can understand this. My dad was a lot like your mom. A lot of yelling, a lot of calling me stupid, hugs and “I’m proud of you’s” – non existent, the volume of his voice was always 10. It made growing up a nightmare.
I bring this us not just to empathize but to let you in on a secret. Parents like these are that way because… it may be that’s all they know.
My dad’s parents died when he was young. He was adopted into an incredibly harsh family. Think beatings, being overworked, etc. And when he was old enough to leave the house, he joined the military and saw his friends die as well as racism on the battlefield.
My dad was emotionally destroyed when he was young. And he carried that forward into adulthood. He had a hard time being there for me because he didn’t understand what it meant to be there.
Your mom, just may be dealing with that too.
There’s no answer to your issue in my story per se, but if I can help with some words – empower yourself to do and be the things your parents deep down want you to be, a good and decent human being.
Brandon, it makes me so sad to hear your story. I am a mom of 5 sons. I had a mom who was incapable of being the mom I needed too. She still is. This will help you as you’re a father to your child. Make sure you do not do the same things and just know we have a perfect Father. Your mentor should be God. He is the only one who will never let you down. I pray you will come to peace with your mom and that she may never be the parent you want her to be. You can change this cycle with your son. You are in my prayers.
Yes, you now can break the chain with your daughters. Make sure you give them all the love and support that you longed for.
I know you posted this a long time ago and probably won’t even see my response but maybe someone who needs to will. You sound very much like my husband did when I first met him. He had a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE relationship with his mother and because of it had 0 respect for women, thought they were all lying, backstabbing cheats just out to use men and fell into one bad relationship after another with women who just fulfilled his stereotype. Somehow, we fell together and (partly because of my own daddy issues but that’s another story) refused to give up on him but also refused to deal with some of his attitude. Slowly, he has realized that I am not what he thought all women were and has learned how to respect and be a partner. We are now working together to be sure that our son and daughter do not grow up with the same issues that we did. My point is that, 1. I am very sorry for everything that you are going through and that you don’t have that special bond with your mother and 2. Don’t give up on life. You can find the woman who will change your view and you have a little one to make the world a better place for. Good luck in everything you do 🙂
Your story breaks my heart. It so happens you aren’t alone, there are a lot of men and women who grew up in homes like yours. It is probably true that your mother grew up in such a home too. It is a cycle. You are the one who needs to break that cycle and teach your own children how to love and live. There is a plaque I had when my son was little about children learn what they live. It says if a child lives with sadness he will be sad, if he lives with criticism he wll be critical, with love he will love. And more.
I hope you will seek out someone to talk with, a minister, a therapist, someone you can open up to. I am worried that you may be suffering from depression and you could be helped with medication. I know that the meds changed my life for the better. I have never been so well and happy. My life has improved so much it seems like the other me was a dream, or nightmare. I wish you all the best.
How sad Brandon. I hurt hearing your words and your pain. I pray things will get better for you and your moms because truly it is her loss. It’s her failure not yours. Sometimes you have to decide to stop looking backwards and simply look ahead and do what you feel in your heart is right for your children and your relationship with them. Don’t make the mistakes she did. I am a single mom to a 2.5 year old boy and i completely adore him. I am not perfect by no means but I will never allow him to feel the way that you do now. Learn from it and let it make you stronger. I wish I could help in some way.
I am so sorry to hear of this. I can tell you from my own experience that it can be very hard with some mom relationships. I truly love my mom, but its a very difficult relationship. Im 30 with a husband and a sweet little boy. I was adopted and thank God that I was I have a lovely family, but the most difficult relationship I have is with my mom. theres no respect on my part. I respected my mom as a child. I was not a mouthly kid, teenager. I only wanted to do good, stay out of trouble and go to church because I love God. I believe my mom has emotional issues and never got help for them during the hard times and even though there were good times and I was well taken care of and supported. there was abuse as well. physical, emotional and mental because she couldn’t control her anger at times. I always feel guilty for things or something isn’t good enough. Moms have a hard role to play for sure. but I nor anyone else deserves a mothers anger and if you need help because you are going through a difficult emotional time don’t take it out on your children, maybe you had a rough past or going through a tough marriage/relationship talk to some one. Ive learned something as a mom and Im not a perfect mom Ive had my moments of anger and lately because of bad situations ive been angry with my son and it affects him. the one thing Ive learned is to say Im sorry when Ive gone to far or have been angry and to ask my son who is 3 to forgive me. The very hard situations in my life I would have never gotten through if I didn’t have God as my savior to help me through and the people in my church that have been such an encouragement to keep going even when I just don’t understand. Im going to counseling because I struggle with my mom and past abuse and it affects my mind and how I feel towards myself as mom now and it affects my child and my marriage because of how I respond. of course not all the time but I have people around me or friends that tell me to keep pushing through and make a good home for my family. Life is not easy and when you had a rough parent relationship. its very hard. I feel so sorry for the children in this world who struggle because they just want someone to love them. all we can do is do our best for our families and treat our children better then we were ever treated. If you were raises with a screaming mother or angry father you have to learn on your own not to become that way and I find it hard some days when that’s what I learned. may God bless you and allow us all to be the best parents we can be no matter what has taken place in our life. Again I love my mother and father deeply but life wasn’t easy and they worked very hard to give us what we needed.
I know I am seeing this a couple of months later, but maybe you should let her know you feel this way. Even if you have to write it out like you have here, or maybe you could enlist the help of a therapist. I hope you have made positive strides since this post ❤
I’m sorry that you had such trying experiences growing up. I, personally, struggled with a lot of rage and abandonment issues when I was becoming an adult, and it took me a very long time to let them go and move on with my life. Because of that, my mother and I did not have a relationship at all for many years. I’m hoping you can learn from my experience and mistakes and grow as a man. So here’s a list – cause lists are cool. 😉
#1. It’s important for you to understand, now that you are an adult at 22, and that your mother is a person. *JUST* a person, like any other, and she has flaws. Forgive her for being imperfect, because you are imperfect too. Forgive her for disappointing you, because it’s a sure thing you have disappointed her a time or two. She loves you regardless, no matter what harsh words and actions come between the two of you. She loves you whether you think she shows it or not.
#2 Be realistic. Growing up, everyone holds their parents up on a pedestal – to standards (like this article) which are, while well meaning, idealistic, unrealistic and not often what happens in real life. Don’t judge your mother too harshly for falling short of this article’s ideals. If she kept you clothed, fed, and safe she did better than many other mothers, and you are fortunate. Understand that if you didn’t have to suffer physical, sexual or emotional abuse then you got off easy and you should be able to look past and forgive any shortcomings.
#3 It’s important for you to understand that the past is the past. It can’t hurt you anymore unless you let it. If you let it rule you, then you have no hope of a happy future OR a healthy, stable adult relationship with your mother or any other woman in your life.
#4 Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. You get more out of people with sweetness than you do with bitterness and bile. If you really want to bridge the gap with your mother don’t expect her to start things in the right direction – *YOU* have to take initiative. Try treating her the way you want to be treated. Want her to respect you? Give her some respect. Take a moment to tell her that you appreciate something she actually did right, rather than cutting her down. Want her to show affection and be nice to you? Try being nice to her. You get the point. You get what you give, you reap what you sow.
#5 Realize that you need to take personal responsibility for your life. No one else is responsible for you anymore but YOU!!! Your job, your apartment, your car – these things are not who you are, but accessories and responsibilities. *YOUR* responsibilities to take care of and maintain. You can’t blame your shortcomings and struggles on your mother anymore because you are an adult, and adults have to struggle sometimes to make their way in the world. It’s a fact of life. It’s no one’s fault, it’s nothing to be angry about, life simply isn’t fair. The sooner you accept that the happier you’ll be. Your mother did the best that *SHE* personally was capable of doing – now it’s time for you to do the same. If you don’t think she did well enough by you, then *YOU* should struggle to do better than she did – for the sake of your own child/children. Think about your life, learn from your mistakes, put one
foot in front of another and keep moving forward.
Good luck and I hope this reply makes sense to you and helps you let go and live a happier life.
~B.
I am sorry to hear of your experience with your mom! I too have had a strange and strained relationship with my mom! I am a mom of 2 little ones now – ages 5 and 6 – and I am trying to change things so that I can be the mom I always wanted! I hope that what you lacked in your mom will make you put forth extra effort to be the best dad you can be! Parenting is clearly not an easy thing and I feel the older kids get the harder it is! Keeping in mind how much you love your little guy and reminding him even when you are mad at him is important! I tell my little ones that I always love them no matter how mad they make me! I tell them they will always be my babies even when they are 120 yrs old!! Its important to hear that no matter how bad things get- that your parent loves you and that is priceless!! I pray you can find time to express to your mom one day all that you feel but more importantly that you can forgive her too! Maybe she needs to hear how you feel- maybe in a letter so you can organize your thoughts! There is always hope and time to fix things so try! I wish you the best!!
I’m so sorry you don’t have a strong, healthy relationship with your mom. As a mother of a little boy, it makes me very sad. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there (moms & dads, both) who feel that there is a need to use children as pawns and/or that children are an accessory rather than actual human beings that require endless love and support. Now that you are a father, you have the opportunity to change this pattern. I, too, grew up with a parent who taught me that anger and violent behavior was the answer. It is still a struggle, but when I look at my son I know that choosing to change what I was taught is the only way to go. I find the best way is to always keep your empathy at the forefront. When you are going to react to something (or you already did), think about what your mom or dad would have done in that situation and how it would have made you feel. It really does help.
Take care.
Brandon, I’m so sorry to hear of your pain and struggle. I’m a 55 year old mother of 3 grown sons, and 3 grandchildren. I don’t know all the answers and never did. I often wished a parent could have “phantom” children” first. These would be the practice kids for you to do your parenting and then see the consequences before you have your real ones. But of course, that’s not reality. I don’t know what went on with your mom fully. And one big thing in life is that you can’t control or change others. But what you can do is manage your reaction and how you deal with them. I don’t mean to preach, but the most powerful force for doing that for me was prayer and knowing my issues were too big for me to handle. About 13 years ago, I was in a deep depression and my faith in everything and everyone was shattered. There was no blood pumping through my veins, my mind was fog, I had no ability to function. I would get out of bed and dressed just before the boys got home from school because I wanted to protect them from my pain. I prayerfully gave The Lord my struggle, pain, and weakness. The answers are not always what we think we want, and not as quickly as we would wish. But you can find solace and peace through having faith and allowing someone bigger to take over. Try telling your mom FIRST that you love her. If you want to hug, DO it. She may think you don’t want that outward affection. Be prepared that her reaction may not be what you hope for. But she may also be holding back because she fears rejection. I hope you and your mom can find a way to a loving relationship. Hang in there!
Wow Brandon I really enjoyed reading your post, and I do hope that you find peace with your mother. As I read this article I thought I am going to share it with my boys (who are currently teenagers) and talk about it. I love to share simple things like this with them and have discussions around how they feel and how I feel, at some point we always find middle ground. Having the ability to talk to your boys/mom is so important and maybe you still have time with your mom? Why don’t you try the same thing I am doing and print this off or send the article off in an email saying this really inspired me to think about how we can improve our relationship, using this article would be a great starting point. I have coined a phrase in my house and I call it the HIT program enforced by the MOB. What it stands for is the Husbands In Training program enforced by Mother of Boys! I want my boys to be the best men (boys right now) they can possibly be for themselves as well as their wives and families. When they question why they have to do things, and say their friends don’t have to do these things, which in my mind are pretty simple, take the garbage out, do the cat litter, help clean up after dinner (and if they help with dinner they don’t have to do clean up) help with the extra stuff occasionally like cutting the lawn or cleaning the pool. I tell them it is part of the HIT program and one day their wives with thank me! I never get an argument back and they get it, I am helping shape them to be responsible grown adults. I wish you luck with your mom! Maybe you need to create the MIT program, Mothers in training and you can help her find her way….. Best of luck!
Your post makes me so sad. I would die if my son ever felt this way about me. It is possible that you will not get what you need from your mom at this point, but you have an opportunity to create a new path with your own child and not repeat her mistakes. This way you will not go to your grave with hatred on your heart because she did teach you something, not to repeat her mistakes and become old and bitter. I will keep you in my prayers.
See if there is a Relationship Enhancement program in your area. If you like you can check out http://www.skillscenter.org to see what I’m talking about. Learning how to communicate with your children’s parent and your children and how to build good relationships are skills that can be learned – it’s hard work but so worth it!
It was so painful to read your story, so sad. I am so sorry for all the pain you have in your heart. No one deserves to feel so sad and abandoned. I am a mom of four sons who are now all grown. They have little boys (and girls) of their own and I am so thankful for the sweet childhoods they had… very likely because of the sweet childhood I had and their dad had. You deserve better. One of my boys was killed in Afghanistan, and I know that loss colors my response to sons. If only your mother realized how precious you are and how fortunate she was to have been given the privilege to have a son. I will remember you and pray for healing and love that you deserve. You must seek it. It isn’t fair, but we know all about how fair life is. Please don’t give up on yourself and love.
I hope you get this message. I just read your post. I too came from a home relationship like yours (I’m female and my problem was my Dad). First, know that you aren’t responsible for your mom’s behavior, no matter what she says or does, or how she acts. I spent decades trying to figure out what I did to deserve it. Her actions have caused your reactions, and due to her problems you got a warped upbringing. You have to learn that you aren’t a bad person; you’ve got to discover that self esteem you were robbed of. Love yourself, and become the man you want to be. You can’t change her, but you can accept that and move on. Don’t allow yourself the guilt; it’s not yours to bear. Unfortunately, my father passed many years ago without us ever seeing eye to eye. I have accepted it because I knew I couldn’t allow it to crush me. I’m happy with my life, and I know if you can get out out from under that mountain of blame and guilt and surround yourself with those you love and who love you unconditionally, happiness will come. It may come slowly, but it WILL come. You deserve it.
So sorry to read of your situation.. Not all things we need to know are taught in school so don’t blame your parents for the way you grew up.. They probably didn’t know any better because they didn’t learn it either.. You have a chance to make things better for the next generation .. Cut this curse so that it will not be passed on to your children and grand children… Start loving them … Joining you in prayers…
To Brandon Grubbs from ‘another man who has seen hard times’. I’m now 43, with two boys. I have had those feelings to. You’re not alone. Women sometimes forget that it’s not all rose colored for us men. We struggle, fail and have to pick ourselves up again and again without help. We turn inward and crawl into our Mancaves to regroup, rebuild or just hide for a while. Fall outs with family are tough. Working hard so they don’t happen as often is tough too. I think the one thing that made me write today was that you said “She maybe came to 3 or 4 of my games but it never mattered because I felt like she only came to say she did , not for moral support.” This is true. My father came to just a few of my games and I always felt like he wasn’t proud of me or didn’t care. Sometimes parents just do it for the kids, sometimes they don’t. Parents will go through the motions. It sucks, it hurts, and makes you question their intentions and your worth in their eyes. But I sit down with my sons and kiss, touch, rub their backs, hug, etc. and tell them I love them everyday they are with me. I may go to a school event that I don’t want to, but I don’t let them go “unloved”.
I read this article… Its good, but written from a woman’s perspective. Learn what you can from everyone you come in contact with. Take the good and eave behind the bad stuff.
You have to have an open and honest conversation. Realize you both make mistakes and both say that to each other. Say that you will both try harder to start over. Best wishes.
Brandon- google narcisism. And possibly borderline personality disorder. She sounds like she has some serious mental issues to have done such terrible things to you. Also check out the forum Dealing With InLaws and Family of Origin (dwill foo). They can give ypu some great insight into dealing with a person like that so you can learn to heal.
It’s never too late to change. Find a way to forgive and truly do it, not for them but for you. Always keep the door open for family to come around to the right way of thinking, but there is a time to not expect it and move on. Find alternate good role models, they are out there. Don’t be afraid to open up to people, some will surprise you with very good lessons. I’m a guy who is likely a bit older than you and gone through my own tough family stuff, including missing many of the things in this list, however….I think I’m finding my way out of it all. It sucks that I will likely never have my own family to pass my lessons on to, but if some good can come of it anyway, well…that’s something. I also find the occasional dose of religious learning helps a lot and keeps me out of really stupid stuff. Listen to your own heart…it will guide you when you are quiet enough to listen.
Brandon, I have tears in my eyes reading your comment. You, and your mother too, have not had it easy at least as regards your relationship. Likely she, too, has a past that caused her to be distant, but one thing remember…it’s never too late to start over. Usually, we must be the one to do the starting, if we really want things to be different. I know your mother, who IS a mother after all, would welcome that new and better relationship. She may not know how to make things better, and likely you don’t know either. But someone has to take the step. Ask God for help, Brandon, then just do it. Take her in your arms and it will go from there. And don’t wait again to say “I love you” first. I will pray for you and your mom.
You are so awesome to share this about yourself and your Mom. I pray for the both of you. You are so special. Let your little boy know the love of his father and teach him what you just learned from this post. That is your purpose here. I love you and your family.
When parents leave a void in a child’s life only the Heavenly Father can fill it.
You could start the healing process in your heart by forgiving your mother. It can be difficult but you would benefit by the sweet release in your heart. For us to be positively functional and useful to others in our life we need to let hurt and bitterness go. I pray this will help you. God bless!
Hang in there and know u have the power to change ur future and learn from all uve been through….no.mother or father is perfect but u cant let the past dictate ur future…God bless
Brandon, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are doing a lot of searching and coming to some realizations. Keep it up. Each piece you uncover will let you make a choice on how you want to move forward. While we are a product of our upbringing, as adults we have the ability to learn, break free and choose our own paths. I wish you the best in taking controll of your personal circumstances and moving beyond them into a better place. ~Elisha
Brandon, I am 71 years old, I know there are families more crazy than my own, but in my day, a lot of children were owned as well as wives by dads and husbands. I am the oldest of five children, none of us were prepared for marriage. My parents were not either, my sister and I had a dad who was immoral with us. My dad poured drink down my sibling’s throats when they were in high school, they could also do their drugs, “because they were just going to do them somewhere else!) I wonder how much you know about your mother’s background and her childhood? When memories came flooding back to me, I went on a quest to find other perverts in my family and I did, on both sides! I have two siblings who were alcoholics, the youngest, my brother, was killed in a one vehicle wreck nineteen years ago, my sister is drunk every day, she is six years younger than me and hates me!
In investigating, I found that my mother had been abused by four members of her family. and I had to force her to tell me, because with all my help I knew she had been very hurt! (I was in my early 30’s when this happened) I found that my dad’s father abused three of his four daughters, and my dad abused his sister. These are ugly truths, but Brandon, what I found out is, my mother did not know what love is, my dad didn’t either, both of them were ENABLERS!!! None of us were any better prepared for marriage than our parents were. Our dad was a mean binge drinker, he would come home after the bars to terrorize our mother and us, then not remember what he did! He never attended anything any of us did in school, my mom either, both of them quit in the eight grade) my mom never called the police, she was trapped. Nobody in my family was the least bit affectionate, when I was sixteen and pregnant (any excuse to flee) I married a man 21, we had to marry the next year) what parents let a fifteen year old girl date a man that old?!
As a result, I short changed my three children, and I feel especially my son, I married a mentally ill man that controlled my breathing, when I divorced him, I was 31, and did not know anything about life, my girls were 12 and 13, my son 7. They saw the fighting that I said when I grow up, my children will never see the things I saw! They had to watch this 16 year old girl try to grow up. The reason I ended up at a psychiatrist is that I could not breathe, he told me, the ability for me to grow was being stunted, I got out. Today Brandon I gave up a lovely life, to move back here to take care of both my parents who have Alzheimers, and I try to do it with love, I forgot to mention, we are Mormons, it has been three years of hell for me since I moved back here. My drunk sister and her three lazy greedy kids 28 and 29, 40 and son-in-law, 40, took everything my parents had, except for their house a lot and four old vehicles, life insurance ,everything and caused them to lose their Medicaid, they look back five years, my brother the Conservator is suing them in cily court like the judge told him it was his job to do. He doesn’t live here, but the brother who does tried to keep their hands out of my parents pockets, and out of their Oxycodone, they certainly did not want me up here supporting him. My evil niece, a very large girl, first got rid of my brother and then me. She and her husband had us arrested and we were labeled “mother beaters”! and because she never believed the best of her children, she always told people “her best kid was dead”, and the condition of her mind they had her believing we did beat her. She told the police she didn’t know if I hit, kicked or pushed her around, because she “hurt all over”! (my brother had to live till he was 64 and I had to live to 68, before we became mother beaters!) That she has always been addicted to pain meds., I was surprised she could feel anything with a Fentanyl patch on her and the Oxycodone in her! We won in the end, but my sister kept having me arrested, that didn’t last long after I talked to the Chief of Police, My dad called the police on me five times for stealing his car keys, they finally told him it was because at 91 he could not drive, nothing was safe from him, especially his garage!!
I am writing a book because I want you to take this old ladies advise, you did not say if you have sought a psychologist or not, I hope you have, I am seeing one again, after I was hand cuffed and hauled off to jail, if there is anything I hate, it is injustice, they got rid of us for one year, so they could keep up their dirty deeds! In the end I wrote this shifty County Attorney (who actually had a hate on for my brother, he had brought a suit against him and four police officers and those are the same ones I had the misfortune to run into! They were after him, and when our lying niece accused him of beating her up, she and her husband went after me. When she slugged me, and her husband kicked me out of a recliner, I hit the rock foyer, I pressed charges against her, Mr. Shifty, the C.A., said he had no proof that I was not the attacker. A 68 year old woman alone with her 87 year old father, for help, she was 29, 5’10” and about 350#s. He also knew she was violent, because he prosecuted her and her husband in 2007 for killing an illegal elk. She attacked the officers on three different days and gathered up her sister-in- law, her two children, took her four to the man ‘s house who turned them in, threatened to shoot his five dogs and slit his throat. She spent one night in jail, the next day my parents put their house up for bond. Well, the C.A. couldn’t have his “star” witness against my brother, she claimed beat her up, to have her arrested for beating up her old aunt!! After it was all over, I wrote him a scathing letter and told him exactly what I knew he did to me! The cop who was the meanest to me and my brother, who helped frame us, has been fired for treating a little female cop like he did us. I had told him he would lose his job. He brought a suit against the city, to get back his job, I wrote so many letters to the editor that he called me up to try to convince me it was not him. Trouble is, he chose to call me when I was reading the lies in his reports with his signature on them!! I let him talk to me for almost 15 minutes before I told him, I will not see him back on the force, that the only uniform I ever want to see him in is (maybe) McDonalds and the C.A. is my next target!!
What I would like to see you do is to have the courage, it took me some, to get your mother alone some how and have an HONEST conversation. You are an adult, but I think being a young man it will take more courage for you than it did me. I was brutally honest, tho, and told my mother about my dad, I don’t think she entirely believed it, but I knew she was probably wounded by hearing her husband did the things to my sister and me that happened in both their families. If you do not know the story of your mother’s life Brandon, you may find she, like my mother, she was so damaged she couldn’t love in any normal way, neither could my dad. He was so hard on my brothers, at the age of 12 and 14, he made them work at the sawmill he managed, he was supporting those lazy grandsons, and out of all their lips, it was Papa, I’m having a tough time I need a loan, his mind was so fried he actually believed them! My brothers want nothing to do with my dad, and I feel bad for them. I chose to care for them in forgiveness, for myself, forgiving is probably more for ones self that for the perpetrator If you can start doing what I suggest, you won’t waste as much time as I have. Here is what I feel about caring for my hurtful parents, and my mom is meaner than she was with the Alzheimers, When I die I want to face my maker and tell him I did the very best job I could for my parents. We all told our parents we would keep the in their home as long as we can, without my help they would be in a facility. It is a thankless job, they don’t have the ability to appreciate much and my mom will attack me with her really bad mouth. At first it was hard for me to go into her home and boss her, I finally got over that, because I had to make wise decisions for both of them, and when she gets out of control, I will not let her abuse me, and she stops!!. I think I forgot to tell you my mom hated my middle brother and from the time he started walking it was my job to save him from all the hate she spewed at him and beatings, he has NO love for women and has been married four times, he was mean to his wives mentally and physical, we are five children with 13 divorces, only my oldest brother has been married 42 years, because of the woman he married!
I hope Brandon, you can repair your mother’s relationship with you, and yours with her ,those little eyes and ears are always watching and listening! Brandon, here comes some tough love, I reread your letter. My dear boy, YOU NEED TO RUN, NOT WALK to seek professional help, in this town we have a clinic who charges on a scale, I hope you have one where you live! My parents were way more toxic than me, but my son chose to break off contact with me, and I respect that, because I know what it is like, some day he will see that I have healed, I miss him!! You need help to get rid of your baggage, you will not succeed in a marriage, and you will only repeat what went on in your home. Your mom is most likely in a deep depression, if possible ask her to seek help with you. One big reason you need help is that you have no power and you have not grown up, if you had, you would not be crying any time she treats you the way she does. You are still giving her power over you, and you are giving your permission to treat you the way she does!! you are acting out with anger and aggression. I was so completely broken when my son finally told me he is gay, the very thought that he couldn’t talk to me because he was afraid to, broke my heart. Not that I am saying you are gay but you sound exactly like my son! He was never aggressive with me, but he was a loner and always angry, and I learned why, he dreaded telling the truth to me. I was broken hearted that he spent his young life silent, I had a gay friend and my son didn’t want to have anything to do with him, I know it was because he did not want to be gay, anybody who thinks kids choose to, are nuts!! You need to become an advocate for yourself. DONOT stay in your mother’s house when she says the mean things she does to you, promptly turn on your heal and leave without saying a word. My religion, my belief in my Creator has been my saving grace! I have been alone for 30 years, and have enjoyed it, even through hardships. The worst thing you could ever do is to act like the little damaged boy you were, and move in with your mother. Your mother has 0 respect for you, I hated my dad when I was a teen, he could never stand up for himself unless he was drunk, I got the idea all men were weak and spineless!! When I divorced my tormentor, my parents came to my town to tell me I needed to come live with them!! My blood ran cold, it was horrible with little money and three children, and no preparation for life, but I would have took them with me to a homeless shelter before I would take them to live with my parents. I have three wonderful children, four super grandchildren, two great granddaughters and a great grandson on the way. If you want to live a life of misery and take your loved ones with you, then dismiss everything I have said to you, because I have experienced it all! I have been blessed, and if you work as hard as I have you will be blessed, too, and you will have everything you want in time. I would suggest you not go looking for a girl friend until you do a lot of work on yourself, because there is no way you would choose a mentally healthy one. Do you know the saying “If there were one hundred girls in a room, I would find the dysfunctional one!” Find out about your mother’s background, it did me good to find out about my parents background because it gave me the understanding I needed to progress with my healing and it answered lots of my questions. I have had a life time trying to treat myself with love and compassion, the kind I give everybody but me, and finally I gave myself permission! Please take my advise, and I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers, find the kind of life you want for yourself and your son, God bless!! PS, this is not every thing either, you write your book and I’ll write mine, we will trade!!!
Brandon, I too am sorry that you don’t have a healthy, loving realtionship with your mother. But…you COULD have much more in life than all the anger that has taken it’s place. Let me explain a little if you don’t mind. As a child we have little control over our upbringing, what type of homelife we experience, and certainly no control of who are parents are and how we are raised. As adults we realize how those types of things affected who we’ve become. If we don’t like what we’ve become or where we are in life, or how our own relationships have similar shortcomings, we can become resentful, angry, sad, blameful, etc. After all, things could have turned out much differently, WE could have turned out much differently, or could have so much more in life if only…….Mom or Dad were this way or that way. I think many of us go down this road. It is human nature. But to stay on that road Brandon is destructive. In so many ways. For one thing, we can be angry because we’ve been robbed of having a normal, healthy upbringing. While understandable, anger itself is a thief. Continuing to rob you even more, as it sucks the peace and joy right out of your life. The good news is that you have choices now, that you didn’t as a child. You also can have more understanding. Not that we can fully understand why a person is the way he/she is. Only God knows why a person is the way that they are. I have tried to figure out people that I love and care about and it’s IMPOSSIBLE. But practicing God’s grace (undeserved kindness), I know enough to have compassion for them and to have grattitude that I am NOT them. Boundaries are the gift of adulthood too! Like I said, as children we have little control, as adults, healthy boundaries with unhealthy people are a must! That may mean, not relying on them for support of any kind, whether it be emotional or otherwise. This can be difficult, especially if you see your Mom being supportive to your sisters. But If it REPEATEDLY doesn’t end well for you, stop putting yourself in that position. No matter how deserving you are, quit setting yourself up for disappointment and more anger. I could go on, but the point I’d like to get to, is that you don’t have to be a product of your upbringing or the unhealthy people in your life. But you have to make the necessary detachmentments. This doesn’t mean you cannot have a realtionship at all. That can only be your determination. Just keep in mind that reliance leads to blame, and blame leads to resentment and anger. God can give you the tools you need to make healthier choices for that relationship, and please know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He wants way more for you than the anger that’s taken up residence in your life. I hope you are not offended by any of this, as I am speaking on behalf of my own experiences, and much of what you said hit very close to home. Praying for God’s best for you!!
Hey Brandon. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings. I am just a random reader today but what you wrote spoke to me. To me, the most important thing you wrote is the last 2 sentences. Hurt people hurt people…maybe your mom was hurt in her life and now she has hurt you. Somebody “gets to” stop the cycle and from what I read, you are the man to do it. In college, I had to do a study. The project was to offer 3 compliments, genuine compliments a day to people then record their response to the compliment. Among others, I chose an individual that I worked with who bugged the crap out of me. She never did things right. For the purpose of the project, I forced myself to find things she did “right” then compliment or praise her for it. You would never believe the transition that took place between us. I was shocked. All of a sudden, she began asking me if what she was doing was right, was this and that okay with me, how does this look? etc. It was a complete turn around. Its something to think about Brandon. Of course there are no guarantees in life but isn’t looking for the good in someone the right thing to do even if they don’t? You are a young adult and what better time to time to create who YOU want to be, paint your own canvas, start your own mindset, your own person, don’t be like her. I know because that’s what I did.
Good looking out Brandon.
Branden I’m so sorry that you lack what your needing the most. I am a mother of two sons 20 and 15. I have done everything on this list for my boys and then some but they don’t appreciate it nor do they treat me as a son should treat their mother with dignity, respect and love. So many of their friends have been in the situation you are facing and they tell my kids how lucky they are because their moms don’t do half of the stuff I do also dont cook them home cooked meals that is why I often have extra boys at my house who call me mom. Because of how I have been treated I carry a lot of hurt, fustration and anger just like you. Reflect back on your past with your mother I’m sure you will find a lot of positive simple things she has done for you sometimes its hard to see through our emotions. Kids do not come with instruction manuals as you know with your own, its trial and error. If she was raised in an unsupportive, unloving, detached, unstable home she had nothing to model raising you. I’m sure she has reasons she is detached and carries a lot of unresolved guilt, hurt and never feeling good enough. Take a step back and look with fresh eyes with feelings placed aside and ask yourself what had happened to her to cause her to be this way and maybe look at all the unresolved hurt she carries. Take all the things that you didn’t like about your upbringing and use it to your advantage and purposely not do them to your children. We all have things that were done to us as children we didn’t like but it takes a mature person to understand why they did what they did which with understanding we may do them to our children because of it being a good lesson for ours but then there are some things that were done that we will not do to them and break the cycle. Use your past to your advantage take a negative and turn it into a positive then it will be easier for you to let go and forgive. You need to forgive for your healing and mental health.Now that you are an adult the choices and mistakes you make now are your fault not your mothers. I was the best mother possible to my boys and made many sacrifices so they could have a better happier future and all it has gotten me is I’m estranged from my oldest because of a girlfriend that is evil and manipulative who has disrespected me numerous times and a son who will fight and defend her to the end but has thrown me a way and talked to me like a piece of trash. I pray he will find himself and his way back home but I know that will never happen until she is out of the picture. My point in telling you this is we try to be the best parents we can possibly be and it may never be good enough for our children. I know there are horrible mothers out there and I have encountered many because I’m a nurse but everyone is fighting there own demons and have you asked her what her story is? You may gain more insite and then realize that its not you also you will realize that you are worthy of being loved unconditionally for who you are. Many women are loving, caring, nuturing and supportive but you need to open yourself up to be loved instead of carrying so much baggage/ hate from your childhood that most of it belongs to your mother and her unresolved issues. There is a saying The sins of the parents becomes the sins of their children. I wish you much joy, happiness, peace and love while you start your journey of discovery and through your life.
I had to learn to forgive at an early age. My mom was an alcoholic and being a child you don’t know that. Over the years abuse builds up and the heart is hardened. I asked the Lord to forgive her for she knows not what she does. I helped take care of her through all her illnesses and before she died we were at a better place in my adult age. Once I became an adult I had to teach myself how to love myself and not let others words tell me who I am. You have time to heal when you ask God to heal your heart from these terrible events. He will do it over time. You have much love to give so give it to your children and you will love yourself in the process.
Your story is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, not all mothers are good mothers. If you do decide to try to re-establish a relationship with her, you might want to consider seeking the help of a therapist at the same time. You may find it helpful in creating and maintaining certain boundries to minimize her ability to hurt you further, and to keep you from hurting her, if that has been part of the dynamic as well. If she is willing, maybe the two of you could go together after a while. Good luck.
Your comment has reminded me just how important these things all are, and your words are sure to stay with me for a long time. I am certain I’m not the only one. I hope you know that so many who read this wish they could give you that hug, ruffle your hair, and cheer you on wholeheartedly from the stands. Because you deserve it, as every boy does. I pray things do get better and that you are able to break the cycle and be the best daddy ever to your little guy.
One place that helped me and many people I know that needed healing from hurts, habits & hangups… Is Celebrate Recovery… What have you got to lose? And so much to gain.
Brandon, sharing what you know and how you feel is the beginning of a move toward growth and self awareness that i believe you already know is yours for the taking. please take care and remember that you have the power to change things between you and your mother even if it is not reciprocal. much love to you and your family.
Goddess
The Empathy Trap, was an enlightening read. Somehow I think you might find it interesting.
That was beautiful and helpful.. My first kid and it’s a boy.. Thanks for the help 🙂
As a mother of three little guys, and constantly being on the go, I tend to lose perspective of the true importance of the little things in life that “DO” make them feel special and completely loved. Thank you for taking time to make this list. It really makes me realize it’s the little things I can do to let my boys know just how much I love and appreciate them. Thanks again…
What was said here was very nice, I have 2 sons that mean everything to me, just like my 2 daughters do BUT when it said a woman (mom) needs to show the man (dad) respect, I believe it should say they need to show each other an equal amount of respect toward each other. Moms, u wouldn’t want your sons believing they should be respected & not show their woman or mother of his child (children), the same amount of respect, do u? Dads, you wouldn’t want some jerk disrespecting your daughter because they were taught that men should be respected more than women, would u? Life now is not like it was decades ago where the men are superior to women. Women & men should be treated as equals, its a two-way street. Women may need a mans sperm to get pregnant but only a woman has the strength to carry & deliver that child.
Thank you for letting me share my personal opinion.
Love this list! My little guy is 6 months and all I can hope is that I raise him well and don’t screw him up! 🙂 I’m printing this to put in his baby book as a reminder to me!
I’d say “sir” and “ma’am,” not “miss.” Nobody around here likes to be called “miss.”
This is beautiful, and made me cry as well. My lil guy is 4, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not questioning my parenting. He’s the sweetest, well mannered kid I’ve ever known (not being biased), and I’m more proud of him as the days go by. Thank you for this article
With my 2nd son on the way this could not be more applicable for me! Such a wonderful reminder!!
I only have daughters, but I’m gonna save this in case I have a boy someday. Plus, I’m thinking most of these could apply to my girls a well. Beautiful post!
I thank you for this…I’m a mom of 4 boys and I say the rosary and pray for them…also, my husband and I go to church every Sunday even if they don’t want to be there…to teach them fear of the Lord…b/c if they know that they are under a higher power (God) at least they will try to live the right way. God Bless you, Monica
Thank you for this! I cried reading every word. How beautiful and accurate this is! I got two boys and perhaps a third on the way. They sure belong to us moms.
I agree with all of these except the one that says to learn to say “sir” and “miss”- miss NO-it’s Ma’am!!!! Miss is what you say to someone when you do not know their name. Ma’am is what you say to a female to show respect whether you know them or it is your mother. My son is 16 and knows to always say sir and ma’am, thank you, please, and your welcome. These were some of the first words he learned because I said them to him. Never Huh, or what, those words do NOT belong in a child’s vocabulary as they are rude and disrespectful. I also think you forgot that his mom should be respected by the man in her life-whether it be the boy’s father or grandfather or significant other. If she is not respected by them she will not be respected by her son. I believe this is a great list for young moms of sons to read. :))
Well said! Thanks for writing this. My husband has also been teaching and showing our 5-year-old to be generous and caring of his Mommy (me!). We also make sure he says ‘thank you’ all the time … to us, to his teachers, to nature, etc. It’s good to see children being grateful and not take life for granted!
Brought tears to my eyes. I am the mother of 3, a 21 yr old girl and 2 boys 18 & 23. The oldest just got married. His new wife said the most precious words to me. She said I did a wonderful job raising him and thanked me for raising the most amazing man she could ask for. There is nothing in this world a mother could appreciate more! I must had done some things right!
I raised 3 amazing boys now men…21, 24 and I just lost my oldest son in an accident Jan. of this year the week before his 26th birthday. I followed all of the suggestions above but one of the main points that is missing from the list is for the Mom to raise them in a household that is strong in faith, hope and religion of whatever your family beliefs are because without that…it will be hard to make it through this life’s trials.
This is freakin stupid. A typical woman’s view of raising a child. We are not little girls that you teach to cook and play with dolls, we are men. I will agree with the points about discipline and responsibility but as far as this nurturing BS, you must understand that doing this neuters an otherwise strong man. Men must learn from an early age to suck it up. No one in this life gives a shit about your problems and no one is going to help you, you must take care of yourself. You must be tough and self reliant. By “being your child’s biggest fan” you teach your son that winning isn’t important so long as he ” does his best”. That is what is wrong with America, we are a nation of pansies, men who are “sensitive” and in touch with their feelings. We are not like you women so don’t treat us like women. Reference the ancient spartan mothers. They sent their sons to war with the warning to return with their shield or upon it (I.e. don’t be a coward and do your duty, die if necessary). I know it seems cruel but if you don’t back off and let men teach men how to live you will singlehandedly wussify the entire male population of America. And god help us then…
Thank you for this. I’m the mom to a 20-month old little boy and am already wondering how to shape him into a good, kind, giving adult. I will re-consult your list frequently to make sure that I’m on the right path.
Okay, I did all that, I stayed home with my sons, tried to make each day count, I was in the moment or tried to be each and every day. I read to them each night, countless times the same story over and over and over, I told them “you can tell me anything” I will always love you no matter what. My son is 19 and where we have a good relationship it’s not a great one, he rarely calls me (could go for weeks), I feel very removed from his life. Where did I go wrong? I do believe he will come back one day but I morn constantly for him but I do want to give him his space to be the man he wants to be.
What we really need to see is what today’s spoiled rotten girls who expect the world to bow down to them are getting in the way of parenting from their moms and dads
What do we do if we’re too late with the #4? I’m at a loss with my teen son, who knows he does not want to “be like his dad” (we’re now separated because of abuse) but finds himself exhibiting the same behavior, and cries because he doesn’t seem to “know any better.”
I am at a loss, and so sad.
Thank you so much for this! My son is just hitting puberty and its not always easy to bite my tounge when he is acting out and testing the waters. Being a single mom and breast cancer survivor I try everyday to let my kids know just how special they are to me and that life itself is such a fragile precious gift and that I WILL ALWAYS be their biggest fan…again thank you gor your words abd im going to share with all mothers of little boys
I am not nor have I ever pretended to be a “Perfect Parent” but I feel I must have done something right I have raised 3 children a son and 2 daughters and we still have a very close relationship even now that they are grown and I cherish each one. They are not perfect but each one has special gifts . Perhaps if I could go back I would change my parenting techniques with each child I learned so many lessons not the least of which would be that what I use to view as BIG problems were not so big they were actually small ones in the Grand Scheme of Life…my children are happy,healthy adults that bring so much to this world and for that I am truly blessed.
Well said, a lovely list of what is important in our relationships with our son(s).
This is all very nice, but as a single mother of 3 boys, (11, 8, 6), I don’t see how you can write an article about what boys need from their mom just because you’re a mother of a 5 month old?! The other thing, I have been raising my boys by myself, no help from their father, yet it’s important for my boys to see how I treat their dad??? LOL!!!
Other than that, it was a decent blog.
For you to marry the kind of man you want him to be??? If that was known before the pregnancy honey there would be no children if you were so blessed to marry mr perfect who would not have cancer that took away his anus and made himlive with a colostomy bag at 45 then good for you but look at the real world. It sounds great but always isn’t.
good stuff. Unfourtionately, in this day and age, more and more boys and girls will grow up motherless or fatherless, but that doesn’t mean they cannot grow up recieving these values and essentials, an uncle/aunt, grand parent, mentor…. can fill that void almost just as well. By raising our children right is how we will trully change our world for the better The children are litteraly the future.
As a mother of a 23 year old son and 9 year old son….I would add one more thing….your son needs to see their father show respect to their mother. What they see is what they do. If they see their father disrespectful of their mother, then they too will think it is okay. If they only see love and respect from their father toward their mother, then they will show the same to their mother.
Thank you for this. It definitely helps me a lot. I have a three year old daughter already, and am very nervous to be carrying my son right now. I am happy to be pregnant but I worry that there will be so many differences with raising a son after raising a daughter. It definitely has some things I do with my daughter (manners and chores etc) but definitely had some things i didn’t truly think about either (the appreciation of beauty and the talking to him about sex as well as his dad).
Brandon, Forgiveness is the key to any relationship. Although my mother was not the perfect mom, I forgave her because she was dealing with many other things. I was NOT the only thing in her life despite my thinking I should be….. One day when you are a parent you will experience the most wonderful highs and the most terrible lows….. In the end remember…. we don’t pick our family. We are born into them period. Set aside bitterness and become the MAN you want to be….. become the MAN you should be…. independent, strong and loving. Nothing more will make you more proud. I do hope you can each meet and set aside the past and live for the future.
btw, I laughed out loud when it said: “Marry the man you want your son to be…” I disagree with that. First, the mothers are already married and the son is already born….. I don’t want my son to be like my husband, I taught my son traits that make a good man. Its good to be a Man’s Man one who gets along with men and a Woman’s man, who knows how to treat a woman.
Lastly, teach your sons that sex is NOT a right of passage. Using a woman is NEVER ok. Sex is for loving couples and not a recreational sport. Have restraint, choose wisely. IM not a prude but these are things Men (as boys) should be taught.
This article is sooooo true. Little fellas need to be shaped and molded into the men that they are meant to be. God gives us these little people to be responsible for and raise up and it saddens me when I hear stories of the ones that either didn’t receive the lessons or have it modeled. Thank you for your perspective, it is so well written. Thank you, Easton’s biggest fan
Already doing it ❤ I even named him Blaze for all the passiin I have for my son.
this will sound harsh but a good chunk of that is craziness, like showing you respect his father…what if his father is a woman beating arse hole? be the first one to him when his children are born….yeah sure his children’s mother will absolutely love his mothers interference….talk to him about the emotional sides to sex, what emotional sides? just saying like…you need to set boundaries aswell. x x
I can agree with some of these but not all. I am 30 now raised by a single mother. I don’t think I am an exception, but I can’t help but think that if all these things were done the way you said, your son would turn out to be a mommas boy or a wimp. I have helped raised nephews and nieces for years. Maybe I am mean but I don’t baby kids, especially boys. My nephew wanted a bike so after a couple weeks of helping with chores around the house we went and picked him out a bicycle. He couldn’t reach the peddles completely and whined about it. I laughed at him and told him if something aint right … fix it. So we busted out the tools and he was right there with me (all we did was lower his seat, but I let him turn his wrenches on whatever he thought needed fixed). When we were done he could reach the peddles and after a few lessons, he was going like a pro, but when he fell instead of babying him I’d laugh (even though I felt horrible that he had scrapped his knee/elbow and wanted to hug him and baby him) he’d look up and say an “oh man” then laugh and get back up on the bike and keep on riding. I think kids need this MORE nowadays then ever.
Kids/teenagers nowadays are crybaby’s and wimps! And this world will chew them up and spit them out without hesitation. Yes mommy him, but also work on toughening these boys up!!! My mother was to busy to come to any of my athletic events, it would hurt me especially when i would win state championships, but I don’t need my mother or anybody’s approval/support. I am self motivated and have been on my own since I was 17. I am in a relationship and have been for over three years. I know my girlfriend wants to get married, she has been wanting to for over two years, but I know marriage is no simple or light commitment, and when I get married it will be for life, that is more important to me then rushing into a marriage. I don’t have any kids of my own, but I have seen plenty of kids raised by both family and friends, poor and rich, nurturing and neglected. if you want your boy to be a good man, don’t overdo the nurturing, find the balance. If you want a smarter more successful man, be the example don’t swear/cuss, don’t make him say bad things then later get on to him about it, do read to him and show him the value of working for something setting goals for him and rewarding him when he meets his goals both short and long (a week is like a year to a child). I agree though with you on all of these to an extent, just don’t overdo it!
I hope I didn’t come across as rude or anything like that, that wasn’t my goal.
“To learn the kinds of things that women need – tell him your favorite flower and let him “buy” them for you. Let him take you out to dinner. Let him know that girls like jewelry, and shoes. Let him open doors and hold your hand. Show him what a gentleman looks like.”
No. I’m not buying your affection. You aren’t a prostitute and this isn’t pretty woman.
I have beautiful twin boys that will be a year here shortly, I love them so much. Your article is how I’ve always parented. They are such well rounded little boys so far. It’s very good advice for new moms. There is only a couple of things on here I can’t teach them. I don’t wear make-up nor do I like jewelry or flowers, I personally think they are all a waste. I can’t help it, it’s who I am and I am not knocking on anyone that enjoys these things… I would just be the worst person to try to teach them about such womenly arts. Their future girlfriends might have to teach them that themselves for I am no help in that area.