Scaredy Cat

This is a part of my 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me Series. The prompt is…… Discuss three legitimate fears. (And hope no one uses them against you.)

My first fear, and the one most people know about me is the fear of clowns. I don’t know why this came about. Everyone always asks if it has anything to do with the movie It. It doesn’t. I’ve never seen any part of that movie. And this fear is fairly long-standing. I remember the first time I went to the circus. I was young…. maybe 7 (ish). And I hated it! I was quite the young animal rights activist and I couldn’t stand the way the animals were treated. And there were the clowns. I don’t like the idea of hiding your face. (Not a huge fan of masks, either) I don’t like the idea of fake constant happiness; it’s unnatural. I don’t like the complete disrespect of personal space. I don’t like any of it; they’re creepy. I always imagine some deranged serial killer hiding behind that facade of happiness and fun. My son is always trying to convince me that they are really very fun…. I’m not buying it.

Another very real fear I have is the fear of being alone. I am very much an extrovert. I thrive around people and I am extremely social. I love human interaction: the talking, laughing, physical closeness. I am one of those people who touches constantly. I am never happier than

when I can be around the people I love. I am a cuddler. I am a talker. I love to laugh and be silly. I very rarely need alone time. In fact, it’s really not good for me. Being alone depresses me. When I was young, I was literally terrified of coming to the end of my life and being there alone. That fear has subsided some as I’ve gotten older, but I still spend as little time alone as possible.

Otherwise, I don’t find myself afraid of much. The only other thing I worry about much at all is failing at the most important things. I don’t classify that as a fear so much as just a motivation to constantly be better. I think about my decisions and how they affect my children’s futures. I think about my work and whether or not I’m equipping those students with every good thing I possibly can. I think about my faith and if I’m the kind of example I should be. I think about my marriage and whether or not it’s what it should be. I think about my friendships and if I’m the kind of friend worth having. It’s a reflection. A mindfulness. A drive to be the best wife, mom, teacher, friend, woman I can be. Because failing at those, the most important jobs I’ve been given, I suppose the possibility of that would be my greatest fear.

My greatest fear

For as long as I can remember, I have had this fear.  This unexplainable, gut-wrenching fear.  Fear that I would be alone.  That no one would love me.  That I would have no one.

Alone (Photo credit: matley0)

Now, I’m a strong person.  I know that I would be fine on my own.  And, I also know that being alone isn’t the worst thing.  There are situations that are far worse.  But, I am such a social person.  I live to talk to people and be around people.  I feed off of other peoples’ energy and I flourish in groups. It’s just how I was designed.

I also have other fears. Clowns, feet, and people who kill other people for fun, to name a few. And then there are the things that I’m not necessarily afraid of, but I actively dislike: spiders, mice, tattoos of faces. But, being alone. I’m horrible at it.

Thankfully, I have a big family. I have several incredible friends. I have an amazing husband and a couple of pretty awesome kids. I don’t have to face being alone very often. I’ve even found that I enjoy it, every once in a while, for short spurts. It gives me the chance to drink a cup of coffee and read a good book.

What is your greatest fear?