When I found out that I was expecting Isaiah, I knew immediately that he was a little boy. I was certain. No doubt in my mind. One day, just before my ultrasound to confirm what I knew, someone said to me, “If they tell you that baby’s a girl, you’re going to be disappointed.” In truth, I wouldn’t have been disappointed. I would have asked them to look again, because I would have been shocked. Mostly, I would have been terrified.
I didn’t know how to raise a little girl. (I must have been crazy, because I didn’t know the first thing about raising a little boy either.) I couldn’t relate to very many girls I knew. I had had very few girl friends throughout my life. At that point, I didn’t know how to be a girl and be comfortable with it myself. Girls are complicated. They’re emotional and irrational. They cry. They grow into teenagers. There was no way I was cut out to be the mommy of a little girl. In fact, I had it all figured out. I wanted three children…. and they would all be boys. I was destined to be the mommy of a little boy.
And, I was right. I was destined to be the mommy of a little boy. The most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. A little ball of energy and excitement. A firefighter, a police man, a truck driver. He likes to wrestle and play sports. He held my heart from the first moment I saw his face. But….. he’s a child. So, he’s emotional and irrational. He cries. He will one day grow into a teenager; which terrifies me more than I ever thought it would. He’s exactly perfect for me.
I was also wrong. I fell in love with a man who came with an added bonus. A little girl for me to love. And while she has a mommy who loves her, she’s mine too. A little girl. And she is emotional and she’s irrational. She cries. She is quickly approaching those teenage years. But she adds something to my life I didn’t even know was missing. She adds a softness and a sparkle. We do our nails and our hair. She talks to me about clothes and likes to read the same books I used to read. There are Barbies in my house now and more craft kits than one person needs. Things I never thought I’d see in my space, but somehow they seem just right. We watch princess movies and play dress up. She has brightened our lives and our home. And she, this little girl I never thought I would have, is exactly perfect for me.
Some days, I’m still terrified I won’t get it right. But, I have learned, that just comes with the motherhood territory. Because the worries I have for her are no different from the ones I have for my son. The dreams I have for her are no different from the ones I have for him. They are my children. And loving them gives me so much joy. My sweet sweet boy that I just knew would fit into my life perfectly. And this spirited charming little girl, who brought a new type of love and laughter to us. My loves. My life.